Sweater Letter
I just sent this in an email to the Incredibly Understanding Wife. The same one who lets me do all the things I usually write about on this site. I am lucky to have her. She… well… she is stuck with me.
Hello wife,
As is typical on a Thursday, I am wearing my blue sweater with the grey and green stripe. You know this blue sweater, it’s the same blue sweater I have had forever. There are a number of things I could say about my day today, but they can all be summed up thusly:
I need a new goddamned sweater.
Why am I so lazy about buying clothes? I am only wearing this sweater because my three real work shirts (lovingly named Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday) have already been rotated through, but it is not yet Friday, when I feel I can go to my office in a stained and faded polo shirt that I probably dripped salsa and motor oil on last week. I clearly need to be put on some kind of clothing plan, where I must buy one new garment each month.
I have one pair of jeans, I wear hobo shoes, and I keep wearing this sweater that isn’t fit for a dog to sleep on. Well, I guess that depends on the dog. Certain dogs, like terriers and boxers, or even a small lab or a young German shepherd, would actually be able to sleep IN the sleeves of this sweater, thanks to the fact that the cuffs have lost all elasticity and hang open like the sleeves on some scooby-doo ghoul’s robe. Meddling kids. These sleeves droop like mouths in a constant state of shock, and my hands and wrists ding-dangle about inside their gaping maws like the metal beater that a farmer’s wife might use to ring the “come and get it” dinner triangle.
You know what’s sad? That woman is better dressed than me.
In other news, a coworker wants the recipe for that delicious pumpkin cake you sent with me yesterday. He loved it. You should be proud. He actually, “Hella” wants it. Which is a lot, I hear. But I don’t know, because I am clearly stuck in 1987 when this goddamned sweater was still new, and Bill Cosby wore it.
Rudy!
Sigh,
Chris
March 10th, 2007 19:09
Chris – For car guys you have to be smart about buying clothes. Although I have to admit to occassionally forgetting to remove the work clothes before going out to the garage, sometimes grease stains are not intentional. Like when you get out of the car and accidentally brush against that spare M42 motor sitting in your driveway. So having a cheap source of good clothes comes in handy. My clothes shopping strategy in a nutshell: Grab $30. Write your shirt size and jean size on the back of your hand. Don’t write it on your palm. You’ll see why in a minute. I’m a 33/34 & 15/34. Grab a burrito at the Mexican place at the corner of Bascom and Stevens Creek. Just next door there is a dive bar where you can get a follow=up tequila (or two). If you had written your size on the inside of your palm it would have washed off when you grasped the drink. Just next door to that is a off-brand GoodWill (not even a real GoodWill) that has jeans for $6 and shirts for $5. Shop till you drop, buddy!